If it were the other way around, how would things be different? How would my life be unfolding at this very moment? Would I be up late with Marisa, teasing with her hallmates? Would I be over in Spencer’s with Gillian, Courtney, and Sammi? Would I be sound asleep in my spacious dorm room with all of my decorations up and not falling off the walls? Would I be consumed with the ‘what if’ of the other half of my potential life like I am now (4 am on a Saturday night)?
I want to think that the answer is yes. I want to think that it’s yes with all the power of the dark thoughts that swirl in my head, all the regret and frustration that plague my steps day to day. I would like to think that I would have teared up an equal amount of times, but that it took the shape of a tickling rain and not a firestorm. Maybe my lungs would be filled with more smoke and city chemicals, but less with the broken dreams of expectations and miscommunications.
I’d like to think I’d be happy.
The truth has to be that there would have been nothing to hold me back. That I would occasionally let my mind drift to a brick laden campus on the inaccessible outskirts of a professional and stuffy city, but that the image would dissolve as quickly as it had come because I would have known all along that it just wasn’t right for me. And now all I want to do is scream because the mirage of the school filled with violet and skyscrapers is glued to my frontal lobe and it mocks me every time I open my eyes but especially when I fall asleep and it just isn’t fair and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being too scared to take the plunge and trust in my heart, and I hate myself for caring so much about what other people thought. Why did I do it? None of them mattered! Everyone I knew would never see me again, and if anyone I didn’t know judged me based off it then they didn’t deserve to get to know me anyway!
But most of all I can’t forgive myself for thinking that I could play it safe and still find happiness. I thought I knew myself better by now. I thought I knew that the only shot I have at happiness is chasing something with every particle of stardust in my soul. And I let myself down.